Journaling

The Struggle – #30DaysOfThankfulness

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[My spiel from Day 3… Click here for others >>> “30daysOfThankfulness” ]

Today I’m thankful for my FAITH!

I’m just staring at the page smiling because its been a long road for me to finally say that and really really mean it. And I do. I’ve struggled personally with my faith the past couple years, but I’ve also grown stronger in it (I hope lol), and I’m still learning and believing. I think people believe that as a preacher’s kid, you should automatically believe that Jesus is Lord and everything else personally is smooth sailing. There should be no room for doubt or hurt or misunderstanding. It should be easy. The holy spirit lives in your home and everything is just great. No struggles in taking the Word as it is. None! or that blasphemy… Lol trust me, some people say that… but anyways, that’s what I had myself believe without even knowing i did.. until I fell into a funk and begun to question whether I believed for myself or because of my ‘Christian family’. It’s like I woke up one day and went, “I don’t get it…” And it wasn’t because I woke up and decided to be confused lol.. everything just seemed off and wrong, and praying didn’t work. To make it even weirder, the one person I felt was close to me, didn’t seem to be there anymore… God.

So I decided to distance myself and rebel because it was all too unreal. Faith didn’t make sense. So many questions, so few answers. And I believed I’ll be fine by myself. And I actually was for a short period of time, until restlessness settled in. Everything was blehh.. It didn’t have anything to do with God not being real. I knew there was a higher power; there had to be one. There was no disputing it. (Big Bang theories don’t work for me. That’s even worse to understand lol)… But anyways, there was a disconnect somewhere and I couldn’t figure it out. After almost 20 years of believing, I was LOST! So lost… I was praying and asking for things to happen, to no avail. I believed for miracles, to no avail. I prayed and encouraged others to believe God could heal, but did the same and lost an aunt. I felt deserted. I didn’t have a problem calling him God (that’s who He is), but He didn’t seem like a father or a friend anymore… People will talk about the good He has done, and I’ll laugh and scoff it off…

It took a school tragedy to bring my brokenness back to him, and that was only the beginning. Its funny, when we run and hit a wall. or everything is falling apart, we begin to believe in something that we thought wasn’t there in the first place. Lol! Talk about desperation… I begun to hope that there was more to life in this broken world. Someone higher and above everything, who took care of EVERYTHING! An immovable rock in the midst of an ever changing world. And how did I know that? I didn’t, I just hoped – “Faith”. Like a circle I came back, and it wasn’t easy. It still isn’t easy but everyday I learn. I learn and I grow and if there one thing I’m thankful for, it’s being introduced to this faith by my Christian family; struggling and finding (still finding) on my own that its real. That there is a God who loves me and looks out for my interests. Loves me all broken and wrecked. Loves me all silly and ridiculous. In my bad moments and in the good times. This Christian faith, this relationship that’s more than a mere religion… that He gave His son to die for me and forgive my sins. This faith that keeps me going, and has made me into the Lady I am today, as challenging as it is to continue to believe without doubt in this world.

If there is anything important today, its to let God know that I love Him, and I’m extremely, without a doubt, thankful for my faith in Him and His word. And I hope to stay strong and continue to believe when hard times come by (hopefully none coming lol), and if I struggle, to let me come out stronger. I’m thankful for my Faith in God.

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